You will never to be able to control people, but you will be able to let people control themselves in ways that benefit you. If you tell people what to do, they may not listen to you and will probably resent you. You must get people to do what they want to do, while you influence their control over themselves. This report will show you how to do that.
There are two ways to get people to do what you want. The first, behavior modification, allows you to change a person's undesirable behaviors using positive reinforcement. The second method of influencing is reality modification, and we'll concentrate most of our attention on this. This influencing technique is successful because of the way in which your requests are presented. In this report, I will show you how to get anything. The secret to getting what you want is the way you go about getting it.
There are three main goals people subconsciously seek. They are:
We all have the need for symbolic rewards, such as recognition and praise. Everybody wants to feel important and special. The act of praising and recognizing another is a strong motivator. Always reward good deeds with praise, and give positive, constructive criticism for bad deeds. If you are patient, in time you will see the results of your compliments.
Material rewards mean a lot to people, whether they realize it or not. In any capitalist society, a person's status is judged by his material gains. Therefore, since money produces material gain, it is a strong motivator, and its presence can have a strong influence on others.
Everyone needs security and stability. Security is attained when people feel they belong and are needed by others. People want security in their jobs, friends, family, etc. There are many ways to increase other people's feelings of security:
Let people know what you have to offer and what you expect from them in return. Tell them why the relationship you have with them is the way it is.
Make people feel that they are needed and belong in the relationship with you. Show a need for their presence.
Let others know what their efforts are accomplishing and how they are affecting you. Make them feel important and special to you. Show them that their efforts are appreciated.
Make sure that parties in the relationship are compatible.
Make sure people are comfortable in their relationships with you. If they are not, find out why and do something about it.
Have a clear idea in your mind about what to achieve, whether it be changing another person's undesirable behaviors or persuading him to accept your point of view. Fix this idea of what you want to achieve firmly in your mind. Know exactly what you want, and clarify any vague objectives you may have. Clarity of personal purpose is the first step to putting your influencing abilities to work.
Have a clear understanding of what others expect of you and what you actually expect of yourself. People often set unrealistic expectations for themselves by gathering up all of the good qualities they see in others, and trying to have them all within themselves. No one expects you to be perfect.
Resolve to do everything better and be persistent until you attain the results you've been trying to achieve. Anything worth doing once is worth doing again and again. Don't let rejection or any other negative experience stop you. Learn from mistakes, better yourself, and keep on going.
The old cliché, "there' no such thing as free lunch," is fact of life. If you want to receive something, learn to pay for it. Some things may have higher prices than others, and some things may have a higher value to you than others. Examine your options carefully and match what you can give with what you want to receive.
People will help you get where you want to go. It will never be easy for you to make it alone. People can teach you and help you become more influential with others. Listen to other people and learn from them.
When you expect a lot, you can get a lot. Your expectations of others and yourself will become reality. Whatever you expect to happen will happen. If you push yourself hard, you will start to see results.
When you create a "win, win, win" situation, you will start to win. When you start to think positively, your life will start to be positive.
Promise people a lot, and then give them more. This is the way the highest achievers have made it. Tell people what you will do for them, and then do more.
If you want things from others, you must first give. Don't expect others to make the first move - you have to. If you want to get ahead in life and be successful, you must make the first move. Everybody has certain goals and objectives they wish to achieve. If you can help them reach their goals and objectives, they will want to return the favor. Give people what they want and you will always be ahead.
Listening is one of the most important necessities of human communication. If you don't listen to people, you are missing out on one of the best ways to influence people. People will always listen to you when you listen to them. One of the greatest influencing tools is listening. When you listen to what's on a person's mind, you will find that communication barriers are broken. Even if you think you know what they are going to say, listen to them. If you are a bad listener, people will think that you are not interested in them. People will like you if listen to them. How do you feel about people who listen to what you have to say? Isn't your admiration for them high? Others will feel the same way about you.
Distractions inhibit good talkers and listeners. It is important that you remove all distractions when listening to another person. You want to create a very warm and comfortable atmosphere for the talker.
Questions we ask people arouse their thinking processes. When you arouse people's think processes, you give them the chance to express their own ideas and feelings. The only way you will find out what you want to know about another is by asking questions. If you are able to help people think on their own they will respect you and like you. You have been able to do something for them that they were not able to do for themselves. By listening to others, you also fulfill their need to feel important. Through your concern, they feel special.
In order to listen, you must keep the conversation open. Some people won't tell you everything on their minds, so you may have to question them to keep the conversation going. All of your questions should relate to who, what, why, where, when and how.
The questions you ask must have a specific purpose. If they don't, you will lose credibility. You must ask questions the person understands. Don't confuse other people by asking complicated questions, such as questions with many parts. Ask them one part of a question at a time. Try to get others to tell you "why." "Why" is one of the best questions to ask people. The reason for asking people questions is to get definite answers. Your questions should prompt definite answers, and they should discourage others from guessing at the answers. The therapeutic value of questioning is lost when people guess at answers.
I have solved many arguments just by listening. It may be hard to believe, but it really works. It works when someone is trying to get his point across to you, and when he is yelling and telling you how right he is. Even if the argument is meaningless, here is how to deal with the situation so that you come out on top.
The first thing you should do is listen to what the person has to say without once interrupting. This is where your listening skill will come in handy. You should say "yes" or "I understand" occasionally to show the other person that you are really listening. It is important that you agree with the other person's point of view. If you don't think the other person is right, you must at least let the other person know that you understand his point of view. When the other person is finished saying what he had to say, ask him, "what can I do for you?' This statement throws many people off because they don't expect it. You will find, after using this technique, that most people give in to your point of view. The reason for this is that all people really want is for someone to listen to them.
It is very important to listen to what other people have to say. Its is also important for others to listen to what you have to say. This chapter will teach you how to create the most impact from what you say.
The first thing you must do when trying to make a point is to get the other person's attention. Make sure the other person is listening to you before you begin talking. If the other person is not listening to you, then you are wasting your time trying to get through to him.
Make sure your message can be fully understood by the others person. Don't use language or terms the other person will not understand.
People want to hear what you will do for them, not what you want from them. Fill your message with benefits. The following two sentences show how this concept works. "I can show you how to be a better person if you listen to me" is much more appealing than. "Listen to me because I am smarter than you."
When you begin a conversation, open with something about which you have a mutual understanding and on which both of you can agree. Here is an example of this concept: IF you want someone to turn the lights off when not in use, you should not say, "keep the lights off, you *@$!!"; instead, you should say "We both want to conserve energy, don't we? So could you please turn off the lights when you leave the room?"
Don't tell someone to do something just because you want him to, or because it is a policy or rule. Give him a reason to listen to you. If you ask someone to follow a policy or rule, tell him why you expect him to follow it. Don't just tell someone to do something - give him a benefit-oriented reason for doing it.
If you are going to change subject during a conversation, tell the listener that you will be moving on to another subject. If you confuse your listener, he may not listen. It is easier for a person not to listen at all than to try to follow a confusing conversation.
More on "effective talking" can be found in the section on criticizing others.
We sometimes think that people are resisting us when they're only trying to protect themselves. People often put up defensive fronts to portray themselves as people they are not. If you can get behind their fronts, dealing with defensive people becomes easy.
Very few defensive people actually realize they are defensive. They often feel they are acting in the best interests of others. In many cases, an outsider can see defensiveness in a person that the person is completely unaware of. People who shy away from any type of risk, or people who are constantly making excuses, have weaknesses within themselves. They project insecurities about themselves onto others. A person who constantly brag about his intelligence may, in fact, be insecure about it, so, for his own reassurance, he tries hard to convince others that he is smart. In some situations, he may become an "over-achiever" to compensate for his weaknesses. For example, he may sacrifice his social life and devote all of his time to school work.
People who ridicule others for being poor achievers may be trying to hide the fact that they are poor achievers themselves. In this way, they project their own faults onto others instead of admitting them to themselves. When you encounter a person like that, don't just write him off as big mouth or a total loss. The best thing you can do is to make that person shut up. This will alleviate the problem temporarily, but the problem can only be eliminated permanently by the person himself.
The reason for criticizing other people is to modify their behavior. We want other people's attitude or behaviors to change because they are wrong. If you criticize people for being stupid, foolish, etc., they will lose respect for you. If you criticize people's acts not their intelligence, they'll change their acts and still have respect for themselves and for you.
Everyone is insecure in one way or another and defensiveness is a normal reaction to insecurity. there are ways to deal with defensiveness in people without becoming frustrated or upset. Here are guidelines to follow when dealing with defensive people:
Accusing a person of being defensive can be damaging. Don't say things like, "You're defensive because you can't cope with the situation."
No one is perfect. We all make mistakes, but do we all live up to them? If you make a mistake, apologize for it. If you are wrong, admit your error. Mistakes can help us learn how to do things right the second time around, and we should feel guilty about them.
If you already know the real reason behind a person's insecurity, then solve the real problem. If a person is insecure about being unattractive, give praise for their good qualities and reassure them of their attractiveness.
Never directly label any of a person's weaknesses. Through your questioning and listening skills, you may be able to get a person to realize his own problems. When you question a person, ask vague questions and try to lead him to a point where he understands himself. Here is a sample question to ask: "It seems to me that you are angry. How do you feel about this situation?"
In situations in which a person doesn't want to communicate, it may be better to leave the situation alone. Remember that you can only do so much to help a person realize his problems.
If you are persistent, you will eventually get what you want. The reason for this is that it easier for people to give in to you than to continue resisting you. If you keep asking for something, within reason, you will get what you want. Children are experts at this. The following are steps you must take to use persistence effectively:
In a direct statement, calmly tell the other person what you want. Here are some examples: "I want to..."; "tell me..."; "show me..."
Repeat your request over and over to the person until you get what you want or a reasonable compromise. Don't let the other person distract you with excuses or accusations. Keep repeating your request no matter what the other person says.
You must be calm and collected at all times during your request. No matter what the other person says or does, always be calm and pleasant.
The other person may give you a vague answer to meet your demand, such as, "We'll see," "soon," "Maybe," etc. If you get a vague answer, push for a commitment to an exact date.
Make sure the person who has made a commitment to you does what he agreed. If he isn't living up to his agreement, be persistent and refer him back to the terms of his commitment. Refer back to them as many times as it takes to make him follow through with what he agreed to do for you.
In many cases, all you will be able to achieve by being persistent is a compromise. Compromises are good because they put you a step closer to your goal. If, for some reason, you can't accept a compromise, then don't. Offer whatever you can, nothing more. This, however, may not get you a settlement in your favor. Here are several steps that will show you how to compromise so that you get the most you can out of the bargain:
Tell the person exactly what you want in terms he will understand. For example, "I want more..."
You must get around the other person's excuses and rationalizations. You must be persistent until you feel you have hit the other persons' bottom line. The other person may try to manipulate you, so be strong and persistent so he cannot.
If you are unsure of what, don't agree to anything. You must think the situation over entirely before you compromise. If you need more time, tell the other person that you need more time. Make sure that you can live with the agreement before you make it.
Everyone wants to be liked by other people. If you treat people the way they want to be treated, they will like you. If you treat them badly, they won't. Often we don't know whether the things we do are objectionable to others. I am going to give you a list of things that attract people to others, and a list of things people find objectionable.
Everybody enjoys being praised. People look for approval of themselves from others. You should only praise people when they deserve praise. If you praise people when they don't deserve it, or if you praise people too much, you will lose your credibility. Don't exaggerate your praise. Make the praise as warm and sincere as you can.
Putting a person down can be very damaging to your relationship with that person. People feel degraded when called stupid, crazy, weird, etc. Don't put people down, even if they are not present. If you do, the word will get back to them, and you will look bad. Always talk about people positively. If you don't like someone, don't say anything about him. You will be amazed at the social advantage this gives you.
There is nothing wrong with caring about and looking out for yourself as long as you don't become entirely preoccupied with it. People resent selfishness in others. Try to make your concern for others more noticeable than your concern for yourself. People will recognize and admire your generosity. Make sure others know you look out for them as well as yourself.
When others have helped you accomplish something, share the credit with them, even if their contributions were not as great as yours. You will be surprised how generously people react toward you when you share credit with them.
If you are unwilling to go out of your way for others, don't expect them to go out of their way for you. Set the first example. If you help others, they will help you in return.
Everybody wants approval and recognition for what they have accomplished. If someone helps you in any way, tell him how much you appreciate his actions. Actions a person performs for you may not be repeated if you don't show appreciation. Here are some examples of how you can best state your appreciation for others: "I really appreciate the way you..."; "Thank you very much for..."; "You are very good at...", "I want to tell you how much it means to me that you..."; "You were very nice to..."; etc. Don't overdo your show of gratitude or you may seem insincere.
When you "show up" others, you do it at their expense. Showing up people in front of others takes away their self-respect. If you are better than others, they will know it. You don't have to degrade them.
Some problems may seem small to you, but they may mean a great deal to others. Don't ignore other people's problems. Treating small problems with importance shows other people you care.
People are concerned about themselves, and it is important for them to feel that others also care about them. People feel important when others care about them. Helping people get through daily trials and sharing in their victories makes people feel that you care about them.
Public criticism will cause people to feel degraded and embarrassed, and they will resent you for doing that to them. If you criticize someone, criticize them privately and constructively.
Everybody wants to feel important. To make a person feel important you must give him your undivided attention when communicating with him. Eliminate all distractions and be sure to have good eye contact. When you are communicating with another person, give him your complete, undivided attention.
Everyone appreciates people who are courteous, tactful and diplomatic. The best way to learn these qualities is from others. Study someone you would like to be like and learn how he conducts himself.
If you are not confident in yourself, people will not be confident in you. People admire and respect confident people. IF you show others doubt, they will treat you with doubt. Be sure of yourself and play down your insecurities.
Criticism is one way to persuade people to think like you. With criticism we can modify the behavior of other people. IF people do things we don't like, we redirect (criticize) them. The word "criticism" has a negative connotation in our society, but criticism is actually very useful. In this chapter we'll discuss criticism, which should be considered constructive reasoning. Follow the steps shown below when you wish to criticize constructively.
Before you criticism someone, be absolutely sure that what the individual did was wrong. Know the person you are criticizing. Make sure you understand the person's character. IF you know the person and his characteristics well, and you know he'll never change, then don't waste your breath criticizing him. Don't try to change a habit that the individual is not capable of changing, i.e., stuttering, etc. The reason for criticizing an individual is so you both benefit from the improved relationship. It is important that the person be improved and bettered by your criticism. I have set several guidelines for you to follow when criticizing another person. If you follow these guidelines, you will find people following your suggestions.
When criticizing someone, get right to the point and tell him specifically what his undesirable behavior is. If you don't tell him exactly what he must work on, he may not be able to correct his behavior is, and making sure he understands why you are criticizing him, is the most important step in learning to criticize constructively.
If you criticize a person too much, the purpose behind your criticism will be lost. The effectiveness of your criticism may be weakened when it is overused, and the other person may begin to resent you if you don't give him time to change. Only criticize when you feel it is necessary. If there are several undesirable behaviors you want the other person to change, criticize only one at a time.
Worlds like "never" and "always" tend to put people on the defensive when they're used to describe their behaviors. The word "always" gives people the impression that their faults are constantly noticed and more obvious than they actually are. "Usually" or "sometimes" are better words for describing people's Behaviors and shouldn't put them on the defensive. The word "Never" is often used in place of "seldom." There is a big difference between "seldom" and "never," and people will often resent the word "never" when it is used to describe their behaviors. People will always react less defensively to the words "usually" and "seldom."
It may be funny to you to joke about people's faults but people feel you are making fun of them when you do. If you don't criticize people's behaviors seriously, you can't expect them to consider seriously changing those behaviors.
Comparing one person to another unfavorably will cause that person to resent you. Try not to make any type of comparison that will put a person down. Comparisons that make a person look good have the opposite effect. Comparisons such as, "You are the best person here," create good feelings between you and the other party.
The best time criticize someone is right after the unfavorable act is committed. If you are unable to correct a person's actions as they are committed, do so later when you're alone with that person and you can discuss the situation openly.
Everyone needs recognition of their strong points, as well as criticism of their faults. Begin your criticism by defining a person's strengths. Let him know how he pleases you and how much his actions mean to you. Then tell him that despite his strong points, there is one behavior you think he ought to change. After discussing his unfavorable behavior, end the conversation with more praise and admiration for his strengths.
Always give people expectations to live up to, not negative reputations to live down. This is an excellent way to motivate people to work for you. Give people standards to work up to. Establish high standards, and they will work up to them. Constructively tell people what you know they can achieve. Your confidence in them increases their confidence in themselves. The expectations you place on others will be realized by them. If you tell someone what you want him to do and then say, "I don't know if you can do it," he probably won't do it. If you tell him, "I know you can do it," he will live up to your expectations. Here are some phrases you can use: "I know I can count on you to do well because...", "I know you can do a great job because you are so good at what you do." An expectation with praise works wonderfully.
Other people don't frustrate and anger you, you do that to yourself. Losing your temper with another person will always hurt you, not him. Anger and frustration will never solve your problems, reasoning and logic will. Don't let personal feeling and resentment get in your way.
Don't point a finger at anyone or openly blame anyone for making a mistake. Use vague questions to get the other person to tell you what has happened and what they have done. This alleviates any resentment they would feel if accusations were made incorrectly. Don't make remarks about personal abilities, intelligence, etc., even if the mistake was caused by the other person. The technique for constructive questioning is covered in a previous chapter.
With a few good questions, the other person will tell you everything you want to know. As the person is telling you his side of the story, he will also realize what he has done. He will be able to uncover the true cause for his mistakes. Once you and he understand the true cause, a remedy can be sought.
Try to find out as much as you can about the situation. If you are at fault, the other person may not know how to tell you. The only way you will be able to solve a problem is if you know exactly what has happened. Ask yourself questions, and see if you can answer them. Put yourself in the other person's position and visualize the situation from his point of view. Look at all of the facts carefully and objectively.
Don't tell the other person what he wants to hear, tell him what he must hear. If you think he should be told something, tell him. When you tell someone what he must hear, tell it to him in a positive, constructive way so that he will benefit from your honesty.
When you admit your own mistakes, people more readily accept you pointing out their errors. Telling others that you have made the same mistakes they have, and that you will help them by showing them how you remedied similar situations, makes them feel better about their own lot. Tell them, "I've made that same mistake many times, I know how it feels. I'll show you how I solved the same problem."
You don't have to point a finger at someone to get a problem solved. Have a conference with the person with whom you are experiencing problems. Tell him your problem without mentioning any names or specifically saying who you are talking about. This type of criticism is so indirect that, in many cases it alone solves the problem. It causes the other person to realize the problem and solve it for you.
You must only punish people to a degree relative to the wrongdoing. If you go overboard, people you punish will resent you. If you don't punish people for the wrong they do you, they will take advantage of you. The best way to punish someone is to have the other person set the punishment. Ask the other person what should be done to him because of what he has done. Most of the time, the person will give himself a more severe punishment that you would have. In this case, lower the sentence. He will look upon you favorably for it. If a person names a punishment for himself that is too weak to suit his wrongdoing, say "I'm sorry, but that is not what I had in mind. I think that... is fair."
It is important for a person to know that you are criticizing him to help him. You must restore his self-esteem. When you've finished your criticism, tell him how much you appreciate his strong points.
People increase or decrease their actions depending upon how others react to them. Praise is a strong reward. The best way to get people to do what you want them to is to praise them for their progress. By rewarding them with praise for their improvements, you will get better results from them.
You may have to speak to a person more than once if there has been very little improvement in his behavior. If you speak to him a second time, you must be harder on him. If you have to speak to him more that two or three times, you must review your criticizing skills. Again, be sure that you don't criticize a person for a behavior that he cannot change.
Some criticism is in poor taste. We must often deal with unconstructive criticism, such as, "You look terrible today," or "You don't know anything, you idiot." Don't let this type of criticism bother you. When you find yourself faced with such useless criticism, follow these step:
Carefully evaluate the criticism the other person presents you with, and be sure to agree with him on the facts. In the above examples you could reply., "I haven't been feeling too well lately," and "No, I don't know much about this subject." When you respond to the other person, answer only to what he actually says, not what he implies.
Stay calm and collected throughout the conversation. Don't lose you temper. The only way you will feel degraded is if you take criticism personally, and not constructively. Don't waste his time and your emotions by reading more into his criticism than is actually stated. By accepting criticism constructively, not personally, you won't need to defend your pride or attack the other person.
If you make a mistake accept it, but don't feel guilty. If you are in error, apologize sincerely and take any actions necessary to remedy the situation. If you do this, there is no reason for a teary, dramatic apology. Such scenes will only embarrass you more and make the other person feel uncomfortable as well.
When you get constructive criticism, try to gain the most from it. Constructive criticism is one of the best ways to mold yourself into a better person. The following steps will show you how to get the most from constructive criticism.
Find out exactly what others object to about you. If someone tells you that he doesn't like your behavior, find out exactly what he doesn't like about it. Be very persistent, and insist that he be explicit in his criticism. Ask the other person what you can do to change the objectionable action in the future. Vague criticism is worthless to you.
If a person criticizes you vaguely, but can't bring himself to tell you explicitly what he disapproves of, then consider faults that others have criticized you for in the past. Often, the same faults will displease different people. This may be the only way to find out what displeases the other person.
If you act defensively, you will not be able to benefit from constructive criticism. Don't be sarcastic or hostile toward the other person. Remember that the other person is criticizing you so that you can better yourself and your relationship with him.
People enjoy the company of others, and everyone wants to meet people with whom they can have close and lasting friendships. Here are some steps to follow if you want to become more successful at meeting and making friends:
Let your prospect know who he is dealing with. Visualize him as a friendly, considerate and kind person. Give him information that will make him receptive to you. Make the information benefit-oriented for him. Try phrases like, "I really like that dress on you, it brings out your blue eyes," or, "I overheard what you were saying, and I was really fascinated by how much you know about..."
Ask the person you are talking to a leading question. A leading question is one that provokes more of a response than a mere "yes or "no" Here are some examples: "Do you attend a lot of these charity balls?"; "How do you know the host?"; "Do you work downtown, too? What do you do?" The other person's responses to these leading questions will let you know if he is interested in you or not. If you try to sell yourself to the person immediately, you will get resistance. If you push too hard or don't ask your leading questions with true interest and sincerity, you will get negative answers, and the conversation may quickly come to an end. Try to make the person feel that you want his consent to expand on an idea that may be of interest to him. What you actually want is his consent to get to know him better. If the other person shows interest in you and begins to communicate with you, feel free to go a step further.
Once the person opens up to you, you can begin to open yourself up to him. You have his attention, and he is interested in you. Once you feel comfortable in his presence, tell him your strongest attributes are, the ones that will appeal to him most. If you get a positive response, you have successfully sold yourself to him. At this point, you can feel free to further develop your new friendship. If the person is unresponsive, it may be that you sound pompous and boastful to him. In this case, you should lower your volume a bit and sound as humble and sincere as possible.
Be prepared for some objections from the other person in the course of your conversation. Respond to each of his objections and try to agree with some part of them. Don't linger or argue over an objection, accept the other person's point of view without forcing yours upon him. Make sure that his objection is legitimate, not just an argumentative contest. First, agree that you understand the other person's objection. Then ask the other person if there are any other reasons for objecting to your underlying reasons for his objections. For example, "Yes, I can see why you feel that way, but I feel that..."
The final part is the easiest part of your whole selling approach. At this point, give the other person a choice. Don't give him a choice of whether to take you on or not, give him a choice of how to take you on. "Do you have a pen, or would you like to use mine to write down your phone number?" Instead of saying, "Do you want to go out with me?" say, "Would you rather go to a movie or out dancing?" After you have gotten the other person to make some kind of commitment, summarize the proposition and reward the other person for accepting. An example of that is: "Thanks for giving me your phone number. I'm really looking forward to Saturday night."
Getting along better with others is a matter of choice. Follow the principles outlined in this report and you will become a more influential person. Not only will people be happy with you, but you will be happy with yourself. Your choice to become a new person will be one of the best you'll ever make.
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The big thing about going through the experience of a divorce is that it leaves you completely worn out and drained of desire to go on with your life. Typically, divorces shatter the hopes and dreams - the ambitions - of both parties involved.
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